"are you livin the life you chose, or are you livin the life that chose you?"
I had hoped that by 35 I'd know 'what I want to be when I grow up', but it turns out that thats not entirely true.
Not all that long ago, my daughter was participating in an (amazing) program called Girls on the Run. As part of this program the girls run a 5k at the end of the season. As part of this celebratory 5K, the program brought Nicki Kimball (an amazing long distance runner, local celebrity, and a woman who I really look up to) to lead the race and have her picture taken with each girl. As part of the picture, the girls were asked what they wanted to be doing in 2024. I watched with curiosity while the other girls walked up with answers like: be a veterinarian, a fashion designer, a published author, a computer programer, etc. My daughter sat in line and hemmed and hawed for awhile. I tried giving her suggestions about things she liked to do, but nothing seemed to stick. When she finally got up to the podium, and it was her turn to give her answer, her only response was "happy. In 2024 I want to be happy."
I will admit that I had mixed emotions about that. Ive always been a goal setter, and not having something to strive for seems to set me back and leave me stunned. But, at the same time, I felt proud. What better goal could you have?
Now here I am. 35 years old, 50ish days of work left before Im done at my job, and I really have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I just know I want to be happy.
But that is sometimes easier said than done.
I was a stay at home mom for 8ish years. I remember the good times, the joy, the happiness of being able to be the one to care for my children. But I also remember the downside... the loneliness, the desire for adult interaction, the feeling of not contributing in a tangible way, and the worry that I just didn't have anything interesting to say.
Now Ive been back in the workforce for four years. I know the upside...the feeling of being needed for something other than my family. Having more of a tangible contribution and having another area of my life where I feel motivated, driven, and where I can see successes. But it came with a price. The (ever present) mom guilt. The feeling of having less energy and patience to give to my family. The struggle of figuring out who will stay home to take care of a sick child (and the guilt....there it is again...when it isn't me), and the struggle to try to fit 'it all' in.
A few months ago I decided I'd had enough. My job wasn't giving me enough in return for the sacrifices I made for it (either monitarily or in other ways). I let my coworkers and my employer know that I wouldn't be back to teach again next year. But now what...
It turns out that my dream job of Firefighter/DJ/astronaut isn't quite so easy to find.
So here I sit. Realizing that my daughter had it figured out...
For now I'll just play it a day at a time. Figuring that if I do a few things I love and feel passionate about everyday, that a path will show itself to me, and when it does I will choose to follow it.
I will choose to be happy.
