jon snow and judgement

"You know nothing, Jon Snow."

Okay, okay...

I realize that not everyone who reads this is going to be the huge Game of Thrones fan that I am...so let me give you a little back story into one of my favorite characters:


Jon Snow is raised as the bastard son of a well-to-do lord who is close with the King of the land.  Although Jon struggles with lots of his own demons, he is strong, loving, loyal, smart, a great leader...and slightly sheltered.  At one point in the series he finds himself in a bit of Romeo and Juliet scenario.  He is very much in love with a girl from the wrong side of the tracks.  I'll let you watch (or read, which I haven't done) to find out what happens, but his love interest always has one thing to say to Jon:

"You know nothing, Jon Snow.".

This phrase runs through my head several times a day, and as cheesy as it sounds, it's become a bit of a mantra for me.  You see, the older I get the more I realize how little I know... and for some reason, I'm starting to feel that admitting it feels a lot like freedom.

A few days ago, while driving out of town for a long weekend, my husband and I got into a discussion about ghosts.  It boiled down to this:

My husband hasn't seen PROOF that ghosts exist, so he chooses to believe they don't but is open to changing his mind if proof were to present himself.
I haven't seen PROOF that ghosts exist, so I choose to believe that I don't know if they exist or not.
Trying to explain why this small, subtle, difference was important to me, or even what it meant, was tough.

But I think it comes down to open-mindedness.

You see, I believe, that if you put yourself into one camp on a topic such as this, it can be hard to keep your mind truly open.  Keeping my feet firmly planted in indecision frees me from having to justify or compare my beliefs to others.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that accepting how little I really know frees me from judgment (or placing it) in all kind of areas in my life, from the simple all the way to the hugely complex.


While I was sitting upstairs earlier blow-drying my hair (yes, that is really when I was pondering all of this), one example came up in my mind:  Child Abuse.

Now I'd like to make a firm statement here: ABUSING A CHILD IS ALWAYS WRONG.

That being said, it's very easy to directly put the fault on the abuser, and quickly bring judgment to them, often labeling them as a 'bad person' or 'bad parent', but the reality is much different.  Yes, some child-abusers are very much 'bad people', but more often than not they are overwhelmed and under-supported parents who are trying their best but got lost and made (REALLY) poor choices.

I remember taking a parenting class when my oldest was pretty little, and one of the only things that stuck with my was the instructor talking about the road to child abuse.  She talked about how every parent has a day (or lots of days) when they are at their wits end.  When they don't know what to do, and they feel like they are failing.  They feel hopeless.  They love their child, but it's easy to lose sight of that when you truly feel like there is nothing you can do.  In that moment, every parent sees the path to child abuse.

At the time I felt like that was a bit dramatic.  That was until I had that moment myself.  I had a child who would. not. sleep.   I was EXHAUSTED, my husband was EXHAUSTED.  It was hard to function.  In that moment I saw the road to child abuse.  I choose not to take it, but I can see how someone who doesn't have a support system or the education (or the ability to put her in her crib and shut the door) might end up walking down that path even if it was the last thing they thought they would ever do.

I guess my (long and meandering) point here would be that I never really know what someone else is dealing with.

"You know nothing, Jon Snow"

If I accept that I really don't know what another parent is going through it frees me to come at them with love and an open mind rather than judgment, and at the end of the day love and support are the things that will help people better their (and their childrens) lives.


Recently a local celebrity came in to my work.  He was downright rude.  My initial response was to be pissed.

'What a jerk!'
'Who does he think he is?'
'I'll never support one of his endeavors again!'
...the list could go on.

After I got home from work, one of the (amazing) ladies that I work with texted me.  She had googled him and it turns out that a few year ago his wife had died...  She reminded me that maybe, just maybe, it was the anniversary of his wife's death.  Or maybe the reason he had come to our store was because something his wife had given him, and that he had treasured, had broken and needed replacing.

The reminder that I KNOW NOTHING was able to bring me back to a healthy place.  A place where I could stop assuming and passing judgement.  A better place to be...  for him and for me.

Anytime I feel myself about to pass judgement on someone I try to remember that pharse:

"You know nothing, Jon Snow."

This is still something I'm working on... and I'm sure I'll be working on it a long time...probably  forever, but the more I do it, the easier it gets... and the more free I feel.

Just like Jon Snow, I know nothing.

searching for proof

Alright.  It's been awhile.  A long while.  But I'm here, and continuing to walk this path that I've been one for quite awhile now.  I may have gotten lost a few times, but I feel like I manage to find my way back to the same path eventually.  I wish I could say that I felt like I had arrived at the destination, but that's hard to do when you aren't even sure what the destination is.

Happiness.
Self-realization.
Fulfillment.
Joy.
Something else that I can't quite put into words.

Maybe all of the above.

I'm not a person who likes to get deep with others very often.  It takes a lot of time and trust for me to really let you in.  I'm not super comfortable with the 'feels', so even if I love you a lot, chances are that we aren't going to get down to the nitty gritty very often.  I have a bit of a fear of going to the kind of place where my heart starts aching, and my eyes start leaking.  I like to keep those things at a distance (and I'd probably consider this a weakness rather than a strength).

Even with my husband I tend to not love that kind of deep conversation... about who I am, and who he is, and how we feel.  We don't have that kind of conversation very often.

But last night we did.

We talked about my experiences growing up as a girl in a world that does it's best (on some levels) to keep girls safe, and in turn just keeps them in a box where they aren't allowed freedom and room to grow.  Where they end up not really experiencing life and finding out who they really are.

We talked about getting shit for hiking alone... even small, well populated, close to town hikes.
We talked about getting questioned for going to the bathroom alone when I was young (Was anyone else in there?  Did anyone talk to you?  Did anyone try to touch you?).
We talked about how these things (and more) led to some sense of fear, to some understanding that the world is too dangerous for girls, for me.

We talked at length about how as I've gotten older I've felt more and more a need to prove to myself that I am enough.

I am enough.

But what does that mean?

Strong enough?  Smart enough?  Valuable enough?  I guess I'm not sure, yet.

Lately I've been studying happiness a lot.  I've read books.  I'm taking an online course.  I'm talking to people about it any chance I get.  One thing that comes up almost everywhere I look is this:

It's hard to find happiness if you are looking for it.

I think maybe this way of thinking it applicable to so much more in life.  Maybe if I stop looking for proof that I am enough, the proof will come to me.  Maybe if I stop looking for meaning, I will find it.

This all sounds very existential, and somewhat buddhist in thought, and to be totally honest it's hard for my pragmatic self to grasp on to this theory.  I'm better with actionable items.  Give me a task to complete and I want to see the results when I'm done.

But I'm going to try.

I'm going to try to let go, in hopes that what I'm looking for will find me.

I think one of the keys may be to [try my best] to live in the moment.  I need to try to turn my thoughts off and focus on what is in front of me.  I'm sure someone out there would talk about how I need to focus on the beauty that is right in front of my face, but I think it's more than that.  I need to focus on WHATEVER is right in front of my face...beautiful or not.  I can guarantee you it won't all be beautiful, and those who tell you otherwise are liars.  Life is beauty, and pain, and disgust, and love, and hate, and so much more, all rolled up into one weird, unimaginable ball.  I am going to try and focus on that, even when I want to look away.  Even when I want to escape into my thoughts and mind, so that I don't have to look head-on at something I can't always comprehend.

I need to feel it all.

I need to quit searching for proof and start seeing it.

I have a feeling it's going to be much easier said than done.

Peace.

waiting room

I'm currently sitting in a hospital a few hours from my home, waiting with my husband and mother-in-law, while my father-in-law has surgery.

This isn't my first go 'round in this hospital.  In fact, I've been here more than I'd like to admit over the past few months.

Most recently, I've spent time here while my stepmom deals with some pretty serious health issues.  It's been a struggle... for her and for my dad.  For other reasons, it's been a struggle for me too.  To understand why, I'll need to give you a bit of background.

My parents are divorced and my dad remarried when I was in 4th or 5th grade.  I remember being excited.  My new mom-to-be was pretty, seemed fun, and had three kids near my age.  It didn't take long after the wedding for me to realize that things weren't going to be quite how I had imagined.  Soon after they married,  they moved three hours away.  My visits became less often, as is bound to happen when you have parents that live several hours apart, and I quickly felt out of place and unwanted whenever I made the trek across the state to see my dad.

I remember sitting in the basement, listening to my dad and stepmom fight about me upstairs and not understanding why.  I remember the short, sharp way that she spoke to me every time I came to town (and believe me when I say she only spoke to me when she had to).  As the years passed, I spent less and less time with my dad.  Every time I visited I felt awkward and unwanted.  As I became an adult, things didn't change.

I got married; I had a child.  I will never forget bringing my (then) two month old to visit for the first time.  My dad was excited to meet my daughter, and I was hopeful that having a child would be the beginning of healing the relationship with her.  When my stepmom walked in the door I was excited to greet her and introduce my infant daughter.  When I asked her if she wanted to hold my daughter, she simply said, "no, thanks", and walked up the stairs.  She never once even acknowledged my daughter the entire time we were there.  My heart broke that day.  I realized there was no hope of having a relationship with this woman.

A few years back my father even brought it up in conversation.  He admitted that she has always had a problem with me.  He admitted that she is unkind to my children.  He speculated about jealousy (of what, I'm not sure).   I'm not sure what unforgivable sins my 10 year old self committed, and to be honest I've kind of stopped caring.  If an adult woman can hold on to a grudge against a child for 20+ years than I think the problem lies more in her than it does in myself.

Fast forward to today:

This woman is seriously ill.  I do believe (at this point) that she will make it through.  She has a long road ahead, but it is one that I'm convinced she will be strong enough to walk.

My father hasn't always been so optimistic.  The last month or so has seriously tested his faith.  He has doubted if she was strong enough to pull through, and in response he has started to break.  I've seen more tears and given more hugs over the past month than in the past 2 years.

So I've tried to be there for him.  Being three hours away makes that a little harder, but I've done my best.  Lots of hours in the car, and lots of loving via food (as is the best way I know how).  At first this was easy for me... I come here as support to him.  Not to say I wish my step-mom ill will (I certainly don't), but my focus is on him... not her.  I need to make sure that he doesn't fall while trying to keep her standing.  I will admit it has become more of a struggle.  It's a mixed bag of emotions to try and support someone when the source of their stress is someone who is a negative influence in your life.

I spent one afternoon on the phone with one of my stepmom's best friends. She is a lovely woman who has been nothing but kind to me, polite and thankful for every exchange we've had.   We had exchanged phone numbers at the hospital a few weeks ago, and I'd told her that I would give her updates as I heard them.  It's hard not to wonder if she knows how my stepmom feels about me...

I certainly wouldn't change what I'm doing.  I know I will continue to support my dad as best as I can, but for my own well-being I also have to set some boundaries.  I'm under no fairytale belief that when she comes out of this health crisis there will be newly healed relationships or apologies for past behaviors.  I'm just too pragmatic for those kind of beliefs.

So where does this leave me?  Why am I even writing about this?  I write about it because it is real... because it is happening.  I share this here because I can, because it is my safe space.  I hope that by putting words to my feelings and my experiences it will bring me some sense of understanding... some sense of peace.

Peace.

just say yes

“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson



I remember reading this quote at some point in my teens.  I was at a vulnerable place...not totally sure of myself, not sure who I really was or where I was going, but this quote struck a chord with me.  It's one of those things that I've looked back on many times.  It's something I often turn to when I'm trying to decided if I should venture out of my comfort zone, try something new, or head into uncharted territory.

Usually the answer to these questions is yes.

In today's society there is so much fear.  We are taught to find the safest route, to plan for the worst, and take all the precautions.   While this route of living my keep you safe and sound, I'd argue that it also leads to so many people missing out on the raw beauty of really living as well.  It can limit your 'experiments'.

Children are indoctrinated to "just say no".   Although, I'm not going to argue that it's not an important skill to learn (it certainly is),  I'd like to make the point that the ability and confidence to say YES is just as important.

A friend, former co-worker, and amazing woman I know recently left to spend a couple of months overseas.  She's traveling to several different countries and seeing a few friends a long the way.  A good portion of her time will be spent alone; in some areas that a less adventurous soul might think of as unsafe.  Some people that have gotten word of this trip have been thrilled for her, others... well, they just think it's crazy (and maybe a little stupid).   There were many steps she had to take to make this trip happen, so many opportunities to say no, to take the safe route; but she had the courage to say yes!  I guarantee that she will come back having seen and experienced new things... she will be changed.  These 'experiments' mold us closer and closer to who we wish to me.

Not all of these experiments are going to be multi-month long trips overseas.  They can be little, but they can still change you.

A couple of weeks ago a friend called me on a Saturday evening.  The hotel where she worked was hosting a large event and they had a couple of waitresses cancel at the last minute.  She asked if I would consider helping them out by waiting tables for the evening.  I've never worked in a restaurant in my life; the extent of my knowledge has been gained only by being on the paying end of the bill.  A more reasonable person would have looked at the situation and probably said, "no thanks".    My initial internal response was something not too far off of that.   In the spirit of full disclosure, I quickly brought my friend up to speed on my qualifications: zero.  Her response, "That's fine, you'll do great." After a moment of hesitation, the above quote came to mind.  Why not do this?  It's one more grain of sand I can throw into my pile of 'experiments'.  So after a quick change of clothes, off I went.  And ya know what?  It was great.  I wasn't the best server ever, the tips weren't crazy good, and my feet hurt at the end of the night...but it was wonderful.  I walked away from that with yet another reminder that I am capable of more than I think I am.  I just have to trust myself...and say yes!

Recently I took my very first retail job, working at one of my favorite clothing stores.  I hear so many people rag on retail jobs, but I've never held one.  I was worried that I might not be good at it.  I was worried that it might not work with my schedule.  I was worried that I would let someone down.  There were lots of reasons to say no...but I choose to say yes.  Who knows, I might love it.

At the end of the day you will never know unless you try.

So...
If a friend calls you and asks you to go on a last minute road trip... say yes!
If you are offered a new food that looks weird... try it!
If you get the chance to windsurf, or skydive, or cliff jump... do it!
If life presents you with the opportunity to try something new (if you at all can)... grab it by the horns and go along for the crazy ride.


It's been years since I first heard the quote above, but it seems the older I get, the more I turn to it.  In some ways I feel like I'm still that insecure girl.  I still don't feel as confident as I'd like, I still question who I am and what I'm doing with my life.  That being said,  I have learned that the more experiences I have, the happier I am.  They don't have to be big, or beautiful or even really all that good.  They just have to be different.  Through all of this I have learned there is one thing that I am sure of:

I rarely regret saying yes.

I'm working on happiness

"So, what are you doing now that you aren't working?'

I kinda dread those words.

Truth be told I doubt that they often carry judgement.  I'm probably putting my own fear on someone else's words.  Whatever the reason, I hate that question.

My kids are both school age, so that means that between the hours of 8:15 and 3:15 I'm without the responsibility of anyone else.  So how do I fill those hours?  Is that even a question that needs a response?

For some reason I feel the need to be able to explain to others how I fill my hours.  No, I'm not sitting around eating bonbons and watching soaps.  The TV doesn't even get turned on.  Sometimes I listen to records while I work (look the W word...even though I'm not getting paid), but truth be told, I rarely have the time to even turn music on.

So what does fill my hours?   Well, all the crap that I used to have to fit into the one hour between work and picking the kids up from school, for one.  Those tasks and errands, the things that had me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, the things that left me frazzled, stressed, and always feeling like I was forgetting something, these things get done now without stress.  The groceries get bought, and the oil gets changed.  The little appointments that required either time off work or the timing of a ninja are so much easier to fit in.  The kids appointments that required one parent take time off of work are no big deal anymore.  A few weeks ago my husband had to work out of town for the week, in the past this would have been a huge headache, as he was the one to get the kids to school, now it's no big deal.  In the evenings I can spend time with my husband rather than trying to get one last load of laundry done.  All in all things just run smoother.

Those tasks that were always getting put off are getting crossed off, little by little.

Yesterday I canned 16 pints of applesauce and 8 pints of salsa...in years past, this is something that just wouldn't have gotten done.

I get to have lunch with my kids every couple of weeks.

I'm able to take (baby) steps to building a business.

Ya know what else fills my days?  Relationships.

I'm not talking meeting the girls for gossip every day at 10am.  I'm talking being able to spend time with the friend who is really going through a rough time and needs an ear.  I'm talking spending time with the new mom who's feeling super cooped up, and being able to say yes when a friend asks for a favor.

I'm a month into the journey of being a stay at home mom with kids in school.  I like to think I'm a month into a weird journey of self discovery.  I haven't figured out all (or really even any) of the big questions that I have, but I have proven that a house runs a lot smoother when there is someone who can focus on all the little crap.

Last night I asked my husband how he feels about me being home.  I think he was a bit afraid to answer.  He simply said that he just wants me to be happy and that he feels like I've been happier.  I guess that's the ultimate goal for all of us.  Happier.  I'm hoping that not only will I be happier, but we will all feel the release of tension.  We will all be happier.

Maybe that's how I should answer when people ask what I'm doing now that I'm not working...

"I'm working on happiness"

Fashion Friday: september favorites

Okay, in an effort to have some repeat themes here, I've decided to designate Fridays as my day for fashion.

Incase you don't know me well, here are a few facts about (just a small) part of me.

• I love fashion
• I love putting together an outfit everyday 
• I love having my own style and trying new things
• While working the last four years I felt like these were things I just couldn't do.  I worked a job were activewear was required daily and I had a specific shirt I had to wear (I was teaching movement based, academic preschool at a gymnastics and swimming facility).  I was also swimming in a pool everyday as part of my job.  Fashion was basically thrown out the window.
• Now that I'm not working there anymore, it's important that I get this part of myself back.
• I've started an instagram to keep me accountable to this goal (username: thismontanastyle - just incase you want to look me up)

Okay...now that you have gone through Emily's Fashion 101 we can get on to the fun stuff...clothes.

The past month I've been participating in a few style challenges.   My hope was that they would encourage me to try new things, put outfits together in new ways, and think a little more outside the box.  And guess what?  It worked!  I've been trying some new things, and it's made me more aware of what I really like and what I really don't like.

I thought I'd share some of my favorites from the month with you.

I love all of these looks!   I learned some things about my style this month:

• I learned that I love dresses and skirts more than I thought I did.
• I can actually rock a skirt that emphasizes my waist (that one took some courage to try).  
• I'm loving all the layers.  I'm warmer, and more comfortable in layers, especially on the cooler   days.  
• I'm realizing that I actually don't have a ton of pieces that are easy to layer, so I'll be on the   lookout.  

I also have a few favorite pieces this month, stuff that I wore multiple times this month that maybe had been sitting in my closet unused for awhile.

• leopard flats- I've had these over a year and while they got some play now and then, this month I have worn them a lot.  Turns out that they go with everything!  Mine were super inexpensive, they came from Payless and are much like the these.
• military inspired vest- I'm wearing this a ton.  Its a perfect piece to layer over almost anything, and the color is neutral enough that it matches almost everything.  Mine came from the Buckle, but I've seen similar ones at Target and several other places.
• booties- all the booties.  they look great with everything and make even the most casual outfit look stylish.  

What are some items that are on good rotation in your closet?  What have you been wearing this month?  I'd love to know!

grilled guacamole

It's Sunday fun-day!!  I spent the day lifting apx 2.3 tons of hay...needless to say I'm pooped.   Because my body (and my brain) are slightly fried, I thought I'd share a new recipe that I made yesterday.

I'm a bit of a guacamole connoisseur.  I have a special, secret (okay, maybe not so secret) recipe that I make on a regular basis, but I also love ordering it while we are out, and judging, in the most judgy way, the quality of the restaurants guac.  I've had some very good, and some very bad, but I'm always up for try something new.

Recently when perusing a magazine I found a take on guacamole that I had never tried: grilled guacamole.  This recipe is more about grilling the ingredients before you put them together rather than plopping a spoonful of the delicious green goo on the grates.  I imdeiatly knew I was going to have to try it, and I was thrilled with the results...even better, so was my family.  My daughter loves guac, but shies away from spicy...this guac was a little spicy, but she still loved it.  My husband is a timid lover of the green stuff...but he loved it.  My son has never met a guacamole he liked...but even he said it was 'pretty good'.


It started  pretty simple:

Slice the ingredients into grill-able slices,
brush with Olive Oil and sprinkle with salt,
grill until charred but not burned.

The smell at this point was pretty fantasic...and I thought it was pretty beautiful too.

Next, chop all the ingredients (except limes) finely,

mix together and squeeze the limes over the whole mess,

toss well, and season with salt and pepper to taste.

That's about it.  The exact recipe can be found here, and I highly suggest you give it a try.

This recipe is a keeper.