I'm currently sitting in a hospital a few hours from my home, waiting with my husband and mother-in-law, while my father-in-law has surgery.
This isn't my first go 'round in this hospital. In fact, I've been here more than I'd like to admit over the past few months.
Most recently, I've spent time here while my stepmom deals with some pretty serious health issues. It's been a struggle... for her and for my dad. For other reasons, it's been a struggle for me too. To understand why, I'll need to give you a bit of background.
My parents are divorced and my dad remarried when I was in 4th or 5th grade. I remember being excited. My new mom-to-be was pretty, seemed fun, and had three kids near my age. It didn't take long after the wedding for me to realize that things weren't going to be quite how I had imagined. Soon after they married, they moved three hours away. My visits became less often, as is bound to happen when you have parents that live several hours apart, and I quickly felt out of place and unwanted whenever I made the trek across the state to see my dad.
I remember sitting in the basement, listening to my dad and stepmom fight about me upstairs and not understanding why. I remember the short, sharp way that she spoke to me every time I came to town (and believe me when I say she only spoke to me when she had to). As the years passed, I spent less and less time with my dad. Every time I visited I felt awkward and unwanted. As I became an adult, things didn't change.
I got married; I had a child. I will never forget bringing my (then) two month old to visit for the first time. My dad was excited to meet my daughter, and I was hopeful that having a child would be the beginning of healing the relationship with her. When my stepmom walked in the door I was excited to greet her and introduce my infant daughter. When I asked her if she wanted to hold my daughter, she simply said, "no, thanks", and walked up the stairs. She never once even acknowledged my daughter the entire time we were there. My heart broke that day. I realized there was no hope of having a relationship with this woman.
A few years back my father even brought it up in conversation. He admitted that she has always had a problem with me. He admitted that she is unkind to my children. He speculated about jealousy (of what, I'm not sure). I'm not sure what unforgivable sins my 10 year old self committed, and to be honest I've kind of stopped caring. If an adult woman can hold on to a grudge against a child for 20+ years than I think the problem lies more in her than it does in myself.
Fast forward to today:
This woman is seriously ill. I do believe (at this point) that she will make it through. She has a long road ahead, but it is one that I'm convinced she will be strong enough to walk.
My father hasn't always been so optimistic. The last month or so has seriously tested his faith. He has doubted if she was strong enough to pull through, and in response he has started to break. I've seen more tears and given more hugs over the past month than in the past 2 years.
So I've tried to be there for him. Being three hours away makes that a little harder, but I've done my best. Lots of hours in the car, and lots of loving via food (as is the best way I know how). At first this was easy for me... I come here as support to him. Not to say I wish my step-mom ill will (I certainly don't), but my focus is on him... not her. I need to make sure that he doesn't fall while trying to keep her standing. I will admit it has become more of a struggle. It's a mixed bag of emotions to try and support someone when the source of their stress is someone who is a negative influence in your life.
I spent one afternoon on the phone with one of my stepmom's best friends. She is a lovely woman who has been nothing but kind to me, polite and thankful for every exchange we've had. We had exchanged phone numbers at the hospital a few weeks ago, and I'd told her that I would give her updates as I heard them. It's hard not to wonder if she knows how my stepmom feels about me...
I certainly wouldn't change what I'm doing. I know I will continue to support my dad as best as I can, but for my own well-being I also have to set some boundaries. I'm under no fairytale belief that when she comes out of this health crisis there will be newly healed relationships or apologies for past behaviors. I'm just too pragmatic for those kind of beliefs.
So where does this leave me? Why am I even writing about this? I write about it because it is real... because it is happening. I share this here because I can, because it is my safe space. I hope that by putting words to my feelings and my experiences it will bring me some sense of understanding... some sense of peace.
Peace.
