I vividly remember being about four months pregnant with my first child when I read somewhere about how common it was for women to poop while in the pushing phase of labor.
I was appalled.
How come I had never heard this!? How could a girl grow into a woman, sit through many a sex-ed class (even the weird one in church where we had to watch a video of a woman giving birth with full 70's bush), get married, and become pregnant and not find out this vital piece of information. I mean come on now. You want to talk about birth control... how about we tell teenage girls that if they get pregnant there is a good possibility of pooping in front of your doctor and baby daddy while in the midst of one of the most painful experiences of your life. Oh and there's loads of other fluids too. I guarantee you that those teenagers would be extra careful about using protection.
But there I was, already pregnant...no going back now. I dealt with it. I got though my birth (thats a whole different story) and came out the other side with a beautiful daughter and I wouldn't change a thing. That being said, I really wish that I had known about the whole pooping issue before I got knocked up. Some things are just easier to deal with when you are good and prepared for them. But it seems like some of the more low down and dirty parts about child rearing are some of the parts that no one seems to want to talk about.
Over the last couple of years I've had a lot of run ins with one of those other parts of parenting that no one seems to talk about.
The fact that it doesn't get any easier.
When my kids were babies it was so hard. My nights were sleepless and my days were filled with pee and poop and vomit. I would get so tired of being physically touched all day that by the time my husband came home, I handed the baby over and couldn't even give him a hug, simply because I was so desperate for my body to be MINE. Keeping my children, marriage, and myself happy and heathy was just SO hard.
When my kids were toddlers it was so hard. I was getting more sleep, but the days were even busier. I could no longer lay them in their swing to put that load of clothes away, or take a shower. There were no longer the long stretches of sitting in a rocking chair nursing and snuggling. Sure, naps were now a little more scheduled, but when the kids were up they wanted to be busy all the time. It hadn't gotten any easier, or any harder. It had just gotten different.
My youngest is in elementary school and it is so hard. Sure he is going to school during the day, but somehow the hours while he is at school fly by with household tasks and errands...and you can forget about that if you are trying to work as well. And the evenings are filled with after school activities. Between school, activities, meals and trying to get the kids to bed at a decent hour it is SO hard. He is so great and can do so much to help take care of himself, but he is still little and needs so much help. It doesn't get any easier, it's just different.
Now my oldest is in middle school. It's so hard. She's old enough to be home by herself for short periods of time, and even help take care of her younger brother. She can even cook a basic meal. In many ways things have gotten easier. I rarely have a sleepless night, and I would LOVE to have a few more cuddles from my kids. But now there is tween-age drama, constant activities, typical attitude and the age old struggle to find independence. It is SO hard. But have things gotten harder? No. They have just gotten different.
And I worry about what is to come, about the stages we haven't hit yet.
I will admit that it gets under my skin a little (okay, maybe a lot) when I hear moms who have children that are younger than mine talk about how they know things will only get easier. Guess what? It doesn't. And I hear it a lot.
So I try to be honest...without being harsh.
Kind of like pooping on the delivery table, I want women to know what they are up against. Wouldn't it benefit everyone if we were honest about how hard it is to be a mom...or a dad? Wouldn't it be better if we were all honest about what it's really like. Why do we have to 'one up' each other with how hard we have it?
Recently I saw on social media a woman who wrote about her experiance in an airport while she was traveling with her small children. She got to chatting up an older woman about how hard it is. How hard it is to be a good mom. How hard it is to try and do it all (key word: try). About how hard it is when they are little. About how it will get easier. The older woman's response was kind but honest. To sum it up: you just wait. While not the most supportive route to take I do appreciate her honesty. It doesn't get any easier.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope that as moms we can stop looking at each other and thinking about how much easier everyone else has it. Its rough. No matter where you are at.
As a friend I will commiserate with you. I will cry with you. I will hug you and bring you wine. I will do whatever I can to help you get through whatever stage you are at. I promise not to look at you and assume that the place I'm at is any harder than where you are, but please do me the same favor. Don't assume that I have it easier just because my kids are older.
So lets get this shit out in the open right now. It is hard. It is all hard. It doesn't get easier, it just gets different.
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