searching for proof

Alright.  It's been awhile.  A long while.  But I'm here, and continuing to walk this path that I've been one for quite awhile now.  I may have gotten lost a few times, but I feel like I manage to find my way back to the same path eventually.  I wish I could say that I felt like I had arrived at the destination, but that's hard to do when you aren't even sure what the destination is.

Happiness.
Self-realization.
Fulfillment.
Joy.
Something else that I can't quite put into words.

Maybe all of the above.

I'm not a person who likes to get deep with others very often.  It takes a lot of time and trust for me to really let you in.  I'm not super comfortable with the 'feels', so even if I love you a lot, chances are that we aren't going to get down to the nitty gritty very often.  I have a bit of a fear of going to the kind of place where my heart starts aching, and my eyes start leaking.  I like to keep those things at a distance (and I'd probably consider this a weakness rather than a strength).

Even with my husband I tend to not love that kind of deep conversation... about who I am, and who he is, and how we feel.  We don't have that kind of conversation very often.

But last night we did.

We talked about my experiences growing up as a girl in a world that does it's best (on some levels) to keep girls safe, and in turn just keeps them in a box where they aren't allowed freedom and room to grow.  Where they end up not really experiencing life and finding out who they really are.

We talked about getting shit for hiking alone... even small, well populated, close to town hikes.
We talked about getting questioned for going to the bathroom alone when I was young (Was anyone else in there?  Did anyone talk to you?  Did anyone try to touch you?).
We talked about how these things (and more) led to some sense of fear, to some understanding that the world is too dangerous for girls, for me.

We talked at length about how as I've gotten older I've felt more and more a need to prove to myself that I am enough.

I am enough.

But what does that mean?

Strong enough?  Smart enough?  Valuable enough?  I guess I'm not sure, yet.

Lately I've been studying happiness a lot.  I've read books.  I'm taking an online course.  I'm talking to people about it any chance I get.  One thing that comes up almost everywhere I look is this:

It's hard to find happiness if you are looking for it.

I think maybe this way of thinking it applicable to so much more in life.  Maybe if I stop looking for proof that I am enough, the proof will come to me.  Maybe if I stop looking for meaning, I will find it.

This all sounds very existential, and somewhat buddhist in thought, and to be totally honest it's hard for my pragmatic self to grasp on to this theory.  I'm better with actionable items.  Give me a task to complete and I want to see the results when I'm done.

But I'm going to try.

I'm going to try to let go, in hopes that what I'm looking for will find me.

I think one of the keys may be to [try my best] to live in the moment.  I need to try to turn my thoughts off and focus on what is in front of me.  I'm sure someone out there would talk about how I need to focus on the beauty that is right in front of my face, but I think it's more than that.  I need to focus on WHATEVER is right in front of my face...beautiful or not.  I can guarantee you it won't all be beautiful, and those who tell you otherwise are liars.  Life is beauty, and pain, and disgust, and love, and hate, and so much more, all rolled up into one weird, unimaginable ball.  I am going to try and focus on that, even when I want to look away.  Even when I want to escape into my thoughts and mind, so that I don't have to look head-on at something I can't always comprehend.

I need to feel it all.

I need to quit searching for proof and start seeing it.

I have a feeling it's going to be much easier said than done.

Peace.