waiting room

I'm currently sitting in a hospital a few hours from my home, waiting with my husband and mother-in-law, while my father-in-law has surgery.

This isn't my first go 'round in this hospital.  In fact, I've been here more than I'd like to admit over the past few months.

Most recently, I've spent time here while my stepmom deals with some pretty serious health issues.  It's been a struggle... for her and for my dad.  For other reasons, it's been a struggle for me too.  To understand why, I'll need to give you a bit of background.

My parents are divorced and my dad remarried when I was in 4th or 5th grade.  I remember being excited.  My new mom-to-be was pretty, seemed fun, and had three kids near my age.  It didn't take long after the wedding for me to realize that things weren't going to be quite how I had imagined.  Soon after they married,  they moved three hours away.  My visits became less often, as is bound to happen when you have parents that live several hours apart, and I quickly felt out of place and unwanted whenever I made the trek across the state to see my dad.

I remember sitting in the basement, listening to my dad and stepmom fight about me upstairs and not understanding why.  I remember the short, sharp way that she spoke to me every time I came to town (and believe me when I say she only spoke to me when she had to).  As the years passed, I spent less and less time with my dad.  Every time I visited I felt awkward and unwanted.  As I became an adult, things didn't change.

I got married; I had a child.  I will never forget bringing my (then) two month old to visit for the first time.  My dad was excited to meet my daughter, and I was hopeful that having a child would be the beginning of healing the relationship with her.  When my stepmom walked in the door I was excited to greet her and introduce my infant daughter.  When I asked her if she wanted to hold my daughter, she simply said, "no, thanks", and walked up the stairs.  She never once even acknowledged my daughter the entire time we were there.  My heart broke that day.  I realized there was no hope of having a relationship with this woman.

A few years back my father even brought it up in conversation.  He admitted that she has always had a problem with me.  He admitted that she is unkind to my children.  He speculated about jealousy (of what, I'm not sure).   I'm not sure what unforgivable sins my 10 year old self committed, and to be honest I've kind of stopped caring.  If an adult woman can hold on to a grudge against a child for 20+ years than I think the problem lies more in her than it does in myself.

Fast forward to today:

This woman is seriously ill.  I do believe (at this point) that she will make it through.  She has a long road ahead, but it is one that I'm convinced she will be strong enough to walk.

My father hasn't always been so optimistic.  The last month or so has seriously tested his faith.  He has doubted if she was strong enough to pull through, and in response he has started to break.  I've seen more tears and given more hugs over the past month than in the past 2 years.

So I've tried to be there for him.  Being three hours away makes that a little harder, but I've done my best.  Lots of hours in the car, and lots of loving via food (as is the best way I know how).  At first this was easy for me... I come here as support to him.  Not to say I wish my step-mom ill will (I certainly don't), but my focus is on him... not her.  I need to make sure that he doesn't fall while trying to keep her standing.  I will admit it has become more of a struggle.  It's a mixed bag of emotions to try and support someone when the source of their stress is someone who is a negative influence in your life.

I spent one afternoon on the phone with one of my stepmom's best friends. She is a lovely woman who has been nothing but kind to me, polite and thankful for every exchange we've had.   We had exchanged phone numbers at the hospital a few weeks ago, and I'd told her that I would give her updates as I heard them.  It's hard not to wonder if she knows how my stepmom feels about me...

I certainly wouldn't change what I'm doing.  I know I will continue to support my dad as best as I can, but for my own well-being I also have to set some boundaries.  I'm under no fairytale belief that when she comes out of this health crisis there will be newly healed relationships or apologies for past behaviors.  I'm just too pragmatic for those kind of beliefs.

So where does this leave me?  Why am I even writing about this?  I write about it because it is real... because it is happening.  I share this here because I can, because it is my safe space.  I hope that by putting words to my feelings and my experiences it will bring me some sense of understanding... some sense of peace.

Peace.

just say yes

“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson



I remember reading this quote at some point in my teens.  I was at a vulnerable place...not totally sure of myself, not sure who I really was or where I was going, but this quote struck a chord with me.  It's one of those things that I've looked back on many times.  It's something I often turn to when I'm trying to decided if I should venture out of my comfort zone, try something new, or head into uncharted territory.

Usually the answer to these questions is yes.

In today's society there is so much fear.  We are taught to find the safest route, to plan for the worst, and take all the precautions.   While this route of living my keep you safe and sound, I'd argue that it also leads to so many people missing out on the raw beauty of really living as well.  It can limit your 'experiments'.

Children are indoctrinated to "just say no".   Although, I'm not going to argue that it's not an important skill to learn (it certainly is),  I'd like to make the point that the ability and confidence to say YES is just as important.

A friend, former co-worker, and amazing woman I know recently left to spend a couple of months overseas.  She's traveling to several different countries and seeing a few friends a long the way.  A good portion of her time will be spent alone; in some areas that a less adventurous soul might think of as unsafe.  Some people that have gotten word of this trip have been thrilled for her, others... well, they just think it's crazy (and maybe a little stupid).   There were many steps she had to take to make this trip happen, so many opportunities to say no, to take the safe route; but she had the courage to say yes!  I guarantee that she will come back having seen and experienced new things... she will be changed.  These 'experiments' mold us closer and closer to who we wish to me.

Not all of these experiments are going to be multi-month long trips overseas.  They can be little, but they can still change you.

A couple of weeks ago a friend called me on a Saturday evening.  The hotel where she worked was hosting a large event and they had a couple of waitresses cancel at the last minute.  She asked if I would consider helping them out by waiting tables for the evening.  I've never worked in a restaurant in my life; the extent of my knowledge has been gained only by being on the paying end of the bill.  A more reasonable person would have looked at the situation and probably said, "no thanks".    My initial internal response was something not too far off of that.   In the spirit of full disclosure, I quickly brought my friend up to speed on my qualifications: zero.  Her response, "That's fine, you'll do great." After a moment of hesitation, the above quote came to mind.  Why not do this?  It's one more grain of sand I can throw into my pile of 'experiments'.  So after a quick change of clothes, off I went.  And ya know what?  It was great.  I wasn't the best server ever, the tips weren't crazy good, and my feet hurt at the end of the night...but it was wonderful.  I walked away from that with yet another reminder that I am capable of more than I think I am.  I just have to trust myself...and say yes!

Recently I took my very first retail job, working at one of my favorite clothing stores.  I hear so many people rag on retail jobs, but I've never held one.  I was worried that I might not be good at it.  I was worried that it might not work with my schedule.  I was worried that I would let someone down.  There were lots of reasons to say no...but I choose to say yes.  Who knows, I might love it.

At the end of the day you will never know unless you try.

So...
If a friend calls you and asks you to go on a last minute road trip... say yes!
If you are offered a new food that looks weird... try it!
If you get the chance to windsurf, or skydive, or cliff jump... do it!
If life presents you with the opportunity to try something new (if you at all can)... grab it by the horns and go along for the crazy ride.


It's been years since I first heard the quote above, but it seems the older I get, the more I turn to it.  In some ways I feel like I'm still that insecure girl.  I still don't feel as confident as I'd like, I still question who I am and what I'm doing with my life.  That being said,  I have learned that the more experiences I have, the happier I am.  They don't have to be big, or beautiful or even really all that good.  They just have to be different.  Through all of this I have learned there is one thing that I am sure of:

I rarely regret saying yes.

I'm working on happiness

"So, what are you doing now that you aren't working?'

I kinda dread those words.

Truth be told I doubt that they often carry judgement.  I'm probably putting my own fear on someone else's words.  Whatever the reason, I hate that question.

My kids are both school age, so that means that between the hours of 8:15 and 3:15 I'm without the responsibility of anyone else.  So how do I fill those hours?  Is that even a question that needs a response?

For some reason I feel the need to be able to explain to others how I fill my hours.  No, I'm not sitting around eating bonbons and watching soaps.  The TV doesn't even get turned on.  Sometimes I listen to records while I work (look the W word...even though I'm not getting paid), but truth be told, I rarely have the time to even turn music on.

So what does fill my hours?   Well, all the crap that I used to have to fit into the one hour between work and picking the kids up from school, for one.  Those tasks and errands, the things that had me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, the things that left me frazzled, stressed, and always feeling like I was forgetting something, these things get done now without stress.  The groceries get bought, and the oil gets changed.  The little appointments that required either time off work or the timing of a ninja are so much easier to fit in.  The kids appointments that required one parent take time off of work are no big deal anymore.  A few weeks ago my husband had to work out of town for the week, in the past this would have been a huge headache, as he was the one to get the kids to school, now it's no big deal.  In the evenings I can spend time with my husband rather than trying to get one last load of laundry done.  All in all things just run smoother.

Those tasks that were always getting put off are getting crossed off, little by little.

Yesterday I canned 16 pints of applesauce and 8 pints of salsa...in years past, this is something that just wouldn't have gotten done.

I get to have lunch with my kids every couple of weeks.

I'm able to take (baby) steps to building a business.

Ya know what else fills my days?  Relationships.

I'm not talking meeting the girls for gossip every day at 10am.  I'm talking being able to spend time with the friend who is really going through a rough time and needs an ear.  I'm talking spending time with the new mom who's feeling super cooped up, and being able to say yes when a friend asks for a favor.

I'm a month into the journey of being a stay at home mom with kids in school.  I like to think I'm a month into a weird journey of self discovery.  I haven't figured out all (or really even any) of the big questions that I have, but I have proven that a house runs a lot smoother when there is someone who can focus on all the little crap.

Last night I asked my husband how he feels about me being home.  I think he was a bit afraid to answer.  He simply said that he just wants me to be happy and that he feels like I've been happier.  I guess that's the ultimate goal for all of us.  Happier.  I'm hoping that not only will I be happier, but we will all feel the release of tension.  We will all be happier.

Maybe that's how I should answer when people ask what I'm doing now that I'm not working...

"I'm working on happiness"

Fashion Friday: september favorites

Okay, in an effort to have some repeat themes here, I've decided to designate Fridays as my day for fashion.

Incase you don't know me well, here are a few facts about (just a small) part of me.

• I love fashion
• I love putting together an outfit everyday 
• I love having my own style and trying new things
• While working the last four years I felt like these were things I just couldn't do.  I worked a job were activewear was required daily and I had a specific shirt I had to wear (I was teaching movement based, academic preschool at a gymnastics and swimming facility).  I was also swimming in a pool everyday as part of my job.  Fashion was basically thrown out the window.
• Now that I'm not working there anymore, it's important that I get this part of myself back.
• I've started an instagram to keep me accountable to this goal (username: thismontanastyle - just incase you want to look me up)

Okay...now that you have gone through Emily's Fashion 101 we can get on to the fun stuff...clothes.

The past month I've been participating in a few style challenges.   My hope was that they would encourage me to try new things, put outfits together in new ways, and think a little more outside the box.  And guess what?  It worked!  I've been trying some new things, and it's made me more aware of what I really like and what I really don't like.

I thought I'd share some of my favorites from the month with you.

I love all of these looks!   I learned some things about my style this month:

• I learned that I love dresses and skirts more than I thought I did.
• I can actually rock a skirt that emphasizes my waist (that one took some courage to try).  
• I'm loving all the layers.  I'm warmer, and more comfortable in layers, especially on the cooler   days.  
• I'm realizing that I actually don't have a ton of pieces that are easy to layer, so I'll be on the   lookout.  

I also have a few favorite pieces this month, stuff that I wore multiple times this month that maybe had been sitting in my closet unused for awhile.

• leopard flats- I've had these over a year and while they got some play now and then, this month I have worn them a lot.  Turns out that they go with everything!  Mine were super inexpensive, they came from Payless and are much like the these.
• military inspired vest- I'm wearing this a ton.  Its a perfect piece to layer over almost anything, and the color is neutral enough that it matches almost everything.  Mine came from the Buckle, but I've seen similar ones at Target and several other places.
• booties- all the booties.  they look great with everything and make even the most casual outfit look stylish.  

What are some items that are on good rotation in your closet?  What have you been wearing this month?  I'd love to know!

grilled guacamole

It's Sunday fun-day!!  I spent the day lifting apx 2.3 tons of hay...needless to say I'm pooped.   Because my body (and my brain) are slightly fried, I thought I'd share a new recipe that I made yesterday.

I'm a bit of a guacamole connoisseur.  I have a special, secret (okay, maybe not so secret) recipe that I make on a regular basis, but I also love ordering it while we are out, and judging, in the most judgy way, the quality of the restaurants guac.  I've had some very good, and some very bad, but I'm always up for try something new.

Recently when perusing a magazine I found a take on guacamole that I had never tried: grilled guacamole.  This recipe is more about grilling the ingredients before you put them together rather than plopping a spoonful of the delicious green goo on the grates.  I imdeiatly knew I was going to have to try it, and I was thrilled with the results...even better, so was my family.  My daughter loves guac, but shies away from spicy...this guac was a little spicy, but she still loved it.  My husband is a timid lover of the green stuff...but he loved it.  My son has never met a guacamole he liked...but even he said it was 'pretty good'.


It started  pretty simple:

Slice the ingredients into grill-able slices,
brush with Olive Oil and sprinkle with salt,
grill until charred but not burned.

The smell at this point was pretty fantasic...and I thought it was pretty beautiful too.

Next, chop all the ingredients (except limes) finely,

mix together and squeeze the limes over the whole mess,

toss well, and season with salt and pepper to taste.

That's about it.  The exact recipe can be found here, and I highly suggest you give it a try.

This recipe is a keeper.

easiest pickles

My garden is tiny.  A few raised beds and a wine barrel for herbs, that about sums it up.  But you would be amazed how much produce I get out of that little amount of space.  Now is the time of year where it seems to all come together for a perfect storm of too much produce, too little time.

That being said, this is also the time of year where I like to play 50's housewife and get all creative in the kitchen by doing some canning.

And by far and away the easiest thing I can is pickles.  It takes about 30 minutes to whip up a batch plus a little extra time if you want to water bath them to make them shelf stable.

Now if you go looking for a pickle recipe you are going to find a million...so now I present 1,000,001.

disclaimer:  You will find all kinds of information on the internet about acid to water ratios and what is and isn't safe.  This recipe is a fairly low acid recipe, but it's the one I got from my mom and she got from her mom.  It's the one we've always used and we have never had a problem.  If you are nervous about the lower amount of vinegar...go ahead and add more, it certainly won't hurt.

Supplies you will need:

cucumbers
fresh dill
vinegar
pickling salt
garlic and spicy peppers (if you are into that sort of thing...I am)
some crushed red pepper if you like it extra spicy (I do)
canning jars
new, unused lids to fit your jars
rings to fit your jars

Step 1. You'll need to start with clean jars.  I've read that you need to rinse them in boiling water, I think this is overkill.  A good wash with hot, soapy water followed up by a rinse in hot water is plenty good.

Step 2. pack those jars.  I always start with a good head of dill for each jar, followed by a couple of cloves of garlic (love garlic?  add more.  love good breath?  don't add any.), and whatever peppers you are planning on adding (jalapeno, serrano, habanero...they all work).  I find it works best to slice those peppers in half before adding to your jar.  Finally fill um up with freshly washed cucumbers.  You really need to pack those babies in there.  Get some muscle behind it and fill all the space that you can.  Keep in mind you will need to keep the top 1/2 inch of each jar clear and free of cucumber for your jars to seal properly.

3. Next we will need to make the brine, any this recipe could not be any easier:

9 cups water
3 cups vinegar
1/2 cup pickling salt

Add all three to a big stock pot and bring it to a boil.

4.  While the brine is coming to a boil we can move on to the next step: prepping our lids and rings for canning.  Place all the lids and rings you plan to use in a small pot, cover with water and bring them to a boil.  Once the water starts to boil, you can go ahead and turn the heat off.  Just leave them there until you are ready to use them.

5.  Once your brine is boiling you can start pouring it into the jars.  A large funnel will make this job infinitely easier (they sell canning sets that include some of the basics to make tasks like this easier).  As you pour the brine you want to make sure that you are covering all of the cucumbers and still leaving about 1/2 inch of head space at the top of the jar.

6.  Use a clean knife or spatula to make sure you don't have any air bubbles in your jars.  I just kind of poke around each jar and any bubbles that remain will pop up to the top. 

7.  After all the jars are full, wipe down the top edge of each jar with a clean, damp rag to make sure none of the brine sits on the edge (it can cause problems with sealing).

8.  At this point you will want to either strain the hot water from the small pot of lids and rings or use a magnetic lid lifter to take them one at a time out of the water and place them on the jars.  Once the lids are in place, screw on the rings and tighten.  

9.  Perfecto!  Your pickles are now ready for the fridge!!  Wait at least two weeks before enjoying. 

 But wait...what if you want to seal the jars so that they are shelf stable?  In that case move on to the next step.

10.  If you want your pickles to be shelf stable, prepare a hot water canner like this one by filling it with water (you will want to make sure that you add enough water that your jars will be covered with the water once you add them to the pot as well).  Bring that water to a boil.  Add your jars one at a time to the boiling water.  Cover the pot and boil for 10 minutes.  Remove the jars from the hot water bath.  As they cool they will seal.  You can check the seals by pushing on the top of the lids.  Any that did not seal will move slightly up and down when pushed on...these will need to be kept in the fridge.  If the lid is tight and doesn't move up and down when pushed on, it has formed a seal and is now shelf stable.  

You did it!!  Once you do this a few times, it will become so quick and easy that you will be able to whip up a batch of pickles in no time.

The best part of this recipe is that as long as you have the proportions right, you can adjust it to your needs.  More spicy or less.  More or less garlicky.  Try using green beans instead of cucumbers to make dilly beans, or leave out the dill and use cauliflower instead for some pickled cauliflower.  It really is easy and doesn't take much time.

The best part...they are WAY better than store bought pickles!

Enjoy!

the art of being alone

It's totally quiet as I sit in my house right now.  I can hear the hum of the Keurig every so often as it cycles to keep the water warm, and the clicking of my keys while I type.  There is the soft hum of the refrigerator, and every once in awhile I hear my sleeping dog sigh, but besides these sounds there is nothing else there.

And I love it.

When I was in college I knew a girl who positively hated being alone.  If a night came where she didn't have plans, she would come down to the store I worked at and sit and wait just so she didn't have to be alone.  At one point I tried talking to her about it.  I suggested she take the time to read a book, or get a project done around her apartment, or maybe just go for a walk.  Her response was clear, although somewhat befuddling to me... she just couldn't stand to be alone.

Even then, in my late teens, I didn't understand this at all.  I loved people, loved going out, loved parties and friends, and all the normal college things, but I also loved to be alone.  I could get so much more done, I could really think through things, I could become more 'me' when alone.  At the time I chalked this friend up to being somewhat immature.  Maybe she just wasn't comfortable enough with who she was to be okay being alone for the evening.  Maybe her adolescent need for attention was still strong.  Whatever it may have been, I figured that was the kind of thing that one eventually 'outgrows'.

But I was wrong.

Fast forward 15 years to a time in my life where I am a stay at home mom with little kids, and playdates, and mom friends.  I was shocked to find that more than one of the new friends and acquaintances I met seemed to be saddled with the same fear that I had seen in my college friend.  Their lives had to be filled up with playdates and errands, any down time was filled with phone calls and busy work.  I was shocked to learn that for a stay at home mom, these women hated to be home by themselves.

I didn't understand.  The more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that I was looking at the same problem I saw when I was a teen.  Some people never really learn the art of being alone.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that it is just that - an art.  To really be alone, you have to really be okay with the person that you are.  You have to have some level of internal confidence and be willing to accept yourself in the stark lighting that is solitude.  There are no friends or small talk to occupy your mind.  There is only quiet and your thoughts.

Like any art, this one takes practice.  If you aren't practiced in it, it's going to be very hard.  Once you have mastered it, you can wield your brush to create beautiful things...mostly yourself.  I've found that time alone is when I can look at myself in the most raw way to find who I am as a person, and alternately, who I want to be as a person.  It's in these times that I can find the parts of my life that I need to work on, and the parts of my life that I'm so proud of.   The path isn't revealed in some biblical way, but at least I can envision where I am, and where I want to be.   I walk away from these moments with a renewed inner confidence that I actually am pretty awesome.

I wish I could go back to that girl in college and sit down and talk with her.  I wish I could tell her that she was good enough to be by herself...that she didn't need to surround herself with the mental noise of others all the time.  I wish I could go back to have a heart to heart with my mom friends, although I'm not really sure that they would have been willing to hear what I was trying to tell them.

I wish I could tell them that once you are okay being by yourself, you are pretty much okay being anywhere.

I've lost track of my college friend over the years, but chances are she's married, maybe she has a few kids at home.  I hope that wherever she is, she has learned the art of being by herself.  I hope she has learned that there is joy in silence.

Now excuse me while I sit here and drink my coffee in peace and practice the art of being alone.